For whatever reason the DH was up at 5:30. That was a nice change, since it's usually me that has the cat in their face waking you up so as to feed him. I didn't even hear the cat this morning. But the DH did and got up to take over cat feeding duties this morning. Out of guilt or curiousity, I went downstairs to ask him what he was doing. "Cleaning the litter box", he said, as he help up the treasure. Now, that's not what I meant. It seemed obvious to me but apparently it wasn't to him. I said, "No, what I meant was what you were doing up." "What a terrible night." That's all he said. So I said, "Why?" And this is where it happened -- "You ask me this same thing every time I can't sleep and I don't know how many times I have to tell you, if I knew I would fix it - I don't know why!"
With that I turned and walked away. Went back upstairs, crawled back under the covers and tried to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. But the conversation kept running thru my mind. Was it me? Or was it him? Did he really think I was asking him WHY he couldn't sleep? Did he not understand I was asking him what kept him from sleeping - as in, headache; not tired, too hot, too cold? After knowing one another since 1990 you'd think we would have bridged this communication gap a long time ago. Apparently not.
So I did fall back to sleep. For almost two hours. He woke me up at 7:35 to ask if we were still going to breakfast. He had to be at a client's house at 9. I got out of bed and said, "Sure, let's do it." We drove in separate vehicles since he was going one way and I to take care of the horses. Breakfast, as usual, was great at Annie's. Every waitress and busboy called their "Hello" or "Good Morning" to us. I made my way thru 2 eggs over medium with buttered wheat toast. I love to mash up the eggs with salt and pepper and then eat them on my toast. The DH had a bacon and cheddar omelet with an english muffin. Coffee for me and hot english tea for him. We are a fixture now at Annie's. They don't even ask us what we want to drink. We just sit down and the busboy Jose brings the coffee and tea right to us. There's something very cool and comfortable in that. Something that will be hard to leave when we head to Ohio.
After breakfast we walk to our vehicles and the DH asks me if I am mad at him for waking me up to go to breakfast. What? Is he for real? Of course I'm not mad about that. "Why are you mad at me?" he asks. "You hurt my feelings in the kitchen when I asked you why you had a terrible night. I wasn't asking you to tell me what was causing you to not to sleep - but why you couldn't." To him it was the same question and being a man, he wanted to FIX it and he couldn't. That one thing had come between us for whatever reason and both of us had been off in our own world having bad thoughts.
We parted ways having made up; all kissy & huggy in the parking lot, talking about just going home and getting back beneath the covers and spend the day there, but work and horses were calling so we parted.
I ended up having an incident at the ranch I rarely do with the girls. I was haltering one up (Dolly) to lead her down to the pasture and the other decides to come up behind her at the gate and crowd her. Dolly thinks she is about to get bitten by the older mare and tries to move out of her way. The only way away though is over the top of me. Fortunately though Dolly didn't go over me. She stopped (which is a very good sign) and stood there, waiting for the worst to happen. That one thing showed me that Dolly knew I was very much there and wasn't going to hurt me to avoid what was coming for her. As it turned the other mare didn't do anything to her at all. I got them both down to the pasture, where they kicked and bucked, ran and rolled - joyous to be out of their smaller pens for the wide open pasture. As I always do, I stop and watch them from the highest point on the property. Seeing them run and play is one of my favorite things to do.
I began mucking the pens and just then the DH pulls up. His work at the client's house was cut short because there was no leak in the sprinkler system as first thought. He had only a few minor things to 'fix' and he was done. So he was there to help me muck, dump and clean and fill waterers, feed tomorrow's breakfast and watch the horses in the pasture. Right now the 5 acres they are on is quite beautiful. The weeds and grass are overgrown (up to their bellies) and it almost looks inviting enough for me to consider staying in CA. Almost. I sigh, wondering if Ohio is just a far fetched dream or if we will in fact make it there? And if we do will it be in time to do what we want, how we want?
An older client of the DH's (Sara) asked me why I didn't take up golf. She and her husband are avid golfers and enjoy it very much. They are in their 70's. Sara asked, "How much longer do you think you can ride?" I think my jaw dropped. What does she mean???? How long do I think I can ride??? What was she implying? That at 44 I was getting close to the end of my riding days? Was that true? Wait, I know a lot of people that ride well into their 60's and 70's. I even knew a man that was 94 and still sitting tall in the saddle. So now, in moments of weakness, I let Sara's innocent question enter my thoughts and psyche and I get scared. I get scared our dreams won't be realized before I am not able to ride every day. I get scared my horses will become a distant memory - something I did in my younger days. One simple question from Sara set my mind into a tailspin and it takes me a while to regain my senses when I get caught up in it.
I think of sharing this fear with the DH but I know what he will say. He will tell me our time will come and our place is out there and it will happen in time. He will tell me we will ride our horses every day if we want, on our own property, or thru trails in a campground. We will work on our fences, our barn, our house - just like we have dreamed. All in due time. So I keep quiet; letting the scary thoughts fester in my head, bringing down my mood and making me feel like an old 44 instead of a young 44.
Once home I get online with a couple of agenda items. 1) Order an IPod docking station; 2) Update our web page; 3) Download some more CDs to the IPod and 4) Blog. First though, as always I read my email. Nothing personal in my inbox which isn't out of the ordinary for a Saturday morning. However, there is a newsletter from Metzvah. Subject line: One Simple Thing. As promised, I will share with you some quotes directly from the newsletter:
"...Sometimes everything on your iPod sounds good..."
"...And then, firing up my iPod to listen to some music while I did my full-on back exercises, I heard Steely Dan's "Brooklyn (Owes The Charmer Under Me)". My favorite cut from my favorite Steely Dan album, the very first. And I heard Jackson Browne's live "Never Stop", and got new insight. Funny how you can listen to a song a hundred times and still learn something new. Then, lying on the floor, I heard the ethereal intro, of the Stabilizers' "One Simple Thing".
Funny how you can have thousands of tracks on your iPod, but you know every one. INSTANTLY! With all the rest of the stuff crammed in there, with the constant input, how does the brain DO IT?..."
"...The Stabilizers had a bit of action on "One Simple Thing", but they were the wrong band at the wrong time. When "The Joshua Tree" was all over MTV, the Stabilizers hearkened back to the seventies. They had no edge. They didn't stand for anything. They just had one good cut. But that cut, I dropped the needle on it again and again.
I don't know if the one simple thing is what makes the relationship complete or breaks it up. It seems the lyrics state the former, but I always thought it was the latter. That's how relationships are. One simple thing left unsaid, one thought one person has, is what breaks the bond.
And this simple thing is not something the rest of the world cares about. It's not going to be posted on TMZ. At heart, we're all alone, it's about the personal, not the ubiquitous hype. And when we listen to a great record, we delve deep into ourselves, our thoughts. A record can bond us with another, but usually no one else is necessary, just you and the tunes are enough, to feel comforted, to gain insight.
When "One Simple Thing" came over my iPod, I couldn't move. I just lay on the floor, staring at the ceiling, my whole life playing out in the space between me and the roof. My mind was set free. By the music."
I have to admit I have no idea who The Stablizers are (or were). I was one of those caught up in the U2 euphoria. Their music took over and most everything else dropped off to the wayside for quite a while. But as sometimes happens, I found this newsletter to be uplifting. In the way that only a song or music can.
SONG OF THE DAY: "One Simple Thing" by The Stabilizers.