Saturday, December 12, 2009

Tired and Rain

Finally we are having some significant rainfall. Today is actually pouring and it was so nice to listen to. I know too soon it will be over and I will once again long for the day when constant sunshine and dry heat are not the norm, so let it rain a little while.

I am tired of things. Sometimes it seems like when ever I am asked how I am the only response I have is "tired". Not physically. But emotionally and mentally. Is there a place to go where you can escape this type of tired? Hell if I know. I just want to breathe and relax. Doesn't seem like a lot to ask for but when it comes right down to it very few people are willing to just give that to you unconditionally. That's a key.

On another note, and one which is NOT very good, I have come upon a revelation of sorts regarding the VNV and Legacy Vets. Let me preface this by saying the DH told me yesterday that one of the patch holders' claim to military service is that he joined the Army, went to basic, got stationed with a jump unit and while at jump school fell off the tower and was discharged. So pretty much his military career is the extent of how much time I've spent in the field my first year of service. So this "vet" gets patched and gets to be treated like he's somehow better than me and gets to act like he's somehow better than me. I have a whole new attitude towards these so-called vets. Why should I support them when they don't support me? I did 20 years serving this country - more than 90% of the patch holders in the club. OK, I wasn't in VietNam, nor did I serve in Iraq or Afghanistan. But guess what - some of them didn't either. It's hurtful to be honest. Once again as a female and a Marine I find it impossible to feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone.

I have been thinking about the idea for a novel again. I keep thinking if I just took the time to write the thoughts down I might really have something. I create dialogues in my head while driving to and from work daily. It's perfected itself actually. My dreams are beginning to add to the storyline - whether consciously or unconsciously. Maybe a book is my destiny for freedom of a hurting soul? Maybe the way to release my heart is to share it with those who can be empathetic with me?

I miss other bloggers... Twitter is fun and a quick fix, but to me blogging is still King. Where or where are my followers? Let me know if you are out there!

SONG OF THE BLOG: "Already Gone" by Sugarland.

19 comments:

kmdelacruz said...

I read your blog for the first time today. I'm new at blogging, but I feel like it helps me to release a lot. I completely understand how you feel about being a female marine. I'm a female soldier. I've only been in the army for 4 years now, so it's got nothing on your 20, but I often feel out of place. I feel like I have to do extra some times to feel as feminine as other females because everyone looks at me and sees a soldier. not someone beautiful.

I feel like we are the same right now. We are most likely in way different walks of life, but I just graduated with a degree in Music performance, and when people ask how I'm doing even now the only thing I can come up with is good, but tired. Just in general I'm overall tired. Tired of my stupid exboyfriend. Tired of feeling like I have no direction. Tired of spending hours at the gym with minimal results. And tired of having goals that seem almost impossible to put in motion..

anyway.. that's a long comment.. longer than my own blog haha.. but i just wanted you to know that I read your blog and I do feel sympathetic with you.. I feel just like you.

AUWG said...

> I am tired of things. Sometimes it seems like when ever I am asked how I am the only response I have is "tired". Not physically. But emotionally and mentally. Is there a place to go where you can escape this type of tired?

Yes. Get that bike and ride it long and hard. Look into hang gliding or something similar that will make you experience something altogether NEW once in a while.

> revelation of sorts regarding the VNV and Legacy Vets... one of the patch holders' claim to military service is that he joined the Army, went to basic, got stationed with a jump unit and while at jump school fell off the tower and was discharged. So pretty much his military career is the extent of how much time I've spent in the field my first year of service. So this "vet" gets patched and gets to be treated like he's somehow better than me and gets to act like he's somehow better than me.

?? "Better than"? No way in hell. If you're a vet and they won't patch you, you don't need them. A vet is a vet, M or F. Is it some kind of 'boys only' club?

> I have a whole new attitude towards these so-called vets. Why should I support them when they don't support me?

Exactly so. You put forth, they should reciprocate.

> OK, I wasn't in VietNam, nor did I serve in Iraq or Afghanistan.

Neither did about 80% of the military of my era (VN). Stats were that about 10%-15% saw combat, the rest were REMFs. Stats might be a little different now, but I'll bet it still takes 7-10 logistical troops to support the one in combat.

I repeat: A Vet is a Vet.
Patch yourself by incorporating some remnant of your uniform into your daily wardrobe and let it invite discussion. Collar brass works well for this.

But before you do things like that, consider that some people have nothing in their lives other than their military service time with which to make themselves feel special as they get older.
As you said, "hurtful to be honest".

Write a book. Continue being special to yourself and others.
It's easy to get published these days.

And thanks for serving, Marine.
Ed
Ed Howdershelt - Abintra Press
Science Fiction & Semi-Fiction
http://www.AbintraPress.com

AUWG said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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Secrets of Midnight said...

A novel sounds like it may be a really good idea for you. I know for me, writing helps me explore how I am feeling and the different ways those feelings can be applied to numerous situations. If you are having conversations in the car, by a tape recorder and tape them - they could come in great handy later. As for the dreams, I have found that for those, the best thing is to keep a dream journal and write in it every morning, even if you don't have a dream. It helps you to remember them, and you can always revisit them.

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