Tired and Rain

Finally we are having some significant rainfall. Today is actually pouring and it was so nice to listen to. I know too soon it will be over and I will once again long for the day when constant sunshine and dry heat are not the norm, so let it rain a little while.

I am tired of things. Sometimes it seems like when ever I am asked how I am the only response I have is "tired". Not physically. But emotionally and mentally. Is there a place to go where you can escape this type of tired? Hell if I know. I just want to breathe and relax. Doesn't seem like a lot to ask for but when it comes right down to it very few people are willing to just give that to you unconditionally. That's a key.

On another note, and one which is NOT very good, I have come upon a revelation of sorts regarding the VNV and Legacy Vets. Let me preface this by saying the DH told me yesterday that one of the patch holders' claim to military service is that he joined the Army, went to basic, got stationed with a jump unit and while at jump school fell off the tower and was discharged. So pretty much his military career is the extent of how much time I've spent in the field my first year of service. So this "vet" gets patched and gets to be treated like he's somehow better than me and gets to act like he's somehow better than me. I have a whole new attitude towards these so-called vets. Why should I support them when they don't support me? I did 20 years serving this country - more than 90% of the patch holders in the club. OK, I wasn't in VietNam, nor did I serve in Iraq or Afghanistan. But guess what - some of them didn't either. It's hurtful to be honest. Once again as a female and a Marine I find it impossible to feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone.

I have been thinking about the idea for a novel again. I keep thinking if I just took the time to write the thoughts down I might really have something. I create dialogues in my head while driving to and from work daily. It's perfected itself actually. My dreams are beginning to add to the storyline - whether consciously or unconsciously. Maybe a book is my destiny for freedom of a hurting soul? Maybe the way to release my heart is to share it with those who can be empathetic with me?

I miss other bloggers... Twitter is fun and a quick fix, but to me blogging is still King. Where or where are my followers? Let me know if you are out there!

SONG OF THE BLOG: "Already Gone" by Sugarland.

I promised myself no matter what today I would blog. I'm trying very hard to not cut myself off and thereby making this blog a brief summary rather than an actual paragraph (or two). Giving oneself time to be creative can be as difficult as any task. I've learned that the hard way recently.

So much going on....

1. Work is steady, which is awesome, but we are still not locked into a new contract for 2010. I love my job - still.

2. The DH loves his new bike. Oh yeah, you don't know... I got tired of him borrowing mine so I bought him his own last week. Nice 2009 Dyna Super Glide. Sweet bike.

3. Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I couldn't be happier. Not because it's a time for family togetherness. Oh no! For us it's a time of mini solo vacation! That's right. The DH is taking off for Phoenix on a 4x4 trip with the daughter in tow. The leave Wednesday afternoon and return on Monday. I can't believe I'll have 5 whole days to myself. I'm practically giddy with anticipation. I'm buying a bottle of scotch. Just sayin...

4. The youngest son is now bound for Afghanistan. Although I am trying very hard to be a Marine, the Mom in me is pushing it's way to the surface. I hope we hear from him soon.

5. I need to start getting ready for my trip to Ohio Dec 2-7. As you might recall I am scheduled to do a craft show at my cousin's work. I have completed purses and scarves for the inventory. Now I need to take inventory, pictures and put together a photo book of sorts for the booth, along with packing up the inventory and shipping it to Ohio prior to the show.

6. The MC is starting to be a painful entity for me. It's a boy club and although I am a Veteran I am still not a guy - so they treat me differently and really don't quite know what to do with me. I don't really fit in with their wives, but I try. I do ok at it, but my heart is just not there. It hurts but I just have to accept it and move on. Dwelling on it won't change anything.

I think that's about it... Summarized and yet no disgustingly short. I am tired these days - more so than I should be. It's a lack of will and a bit of depression I think. I need to find some pleasure somewhere, in something, somehow. What a daunting task!

SONG OF THE BLOG: "Tennessee Line" by DAUGHTRY w/Vince Gill

November

This time of year always makes me somewhat melancholy and I'm not exactly sure why. Could be the sentimental aspects of the seasons approaching. Thanksgiving and Christmas are meant to be a time for family; forgiveness; thankfulness... A time for reflection of the past year and the outlook for growth and change in the coming year. I have much to be thankful for and much to look forward to. I suppose I have the best of both worlds as most Librans do.

Addictions and a job change

I don't think the two are related in my case, but you never can tell these days. First the most interesting of the two: addiction. I think that word brings to mind fear in the minds and hearts of most everyone because everyone assumes it's drugs or alcohol. Not in my case. My addiction(s) are a little to the right. They are (in no particular order):

> Facebook
> My phone
> Crocheting
> Starbucks
> Music

I don't consider any of these something that stops my functioning as a human. My list includes technology which has changed the way we interact with people. I believe that people today make a choice either to embrace the technology ... or not. I don't know how or if I can even leave it behind at this point. It has become part of me and I only see it evolving - not dissolving.

The other topic - job change - is certainly less interesting, but important nonetheless. I am currently under a contract with a company hired by the government. This particular contract ends Dec 14th, 2009. A follow-on contract is supposed to kick in terminating Sept 30th, 2010, but we have not been told if that is going to happen. So I have been putting my feelers out for a new job. This is my list (in so particular order):

> Same job, but with a contract through Sept 30th, 2010. The job is in 29 Palms. I would live up there during the week and come home whenever I can.
> Three spots above me is opening up. I'm applying.

Will keep you posted on what happens.

SONG OF THE BLOG: "Learned My Lesson" by Daughtry.

Sunday already

Sounding like a broken record by complaining how the weekend flew by too fast. Apologies up front for that attitude.

Picked up the youngest son from the airport on Saturday morning. He will be home on leave until Nov 1st. Then shortly afterwards he will be heading from GA to Afghanistan. I try to think about that part as a Marine and not as a Mom.

I have been toiling with the idea of finding my own MC. Not an easy thing to do and get what I'm looking for. I need to hash this out more in my head and decide.

Heading to Ohio Dec 2-7. Mostly for the craft fair, but also to spend time with family and friends. Need to also decide if I want to live there or not.

Geez, suddenly this whole thing just became too boring to continue. I've got nothing to write about!

Blah!!!

You wanna wear what????

Ask any Marine when the Marine Corps Birthday is and they can easily tell you - November 10. It's a world wide celebration for all Marines. Active duty, Reserve, Retired - it doesn't matter. On that day Marines greet one another with a resounding "Happy Birthday". Commands all over the world hold a Birthday Ball. Tradition abounds. This is a time when all Marines come together to celebrate our beloved Corps. The attire for this event is formal. This means if you are a Marine, you will wear your most senior uniform. That could be your Alpha's, but most of the time this is where Marines proudly put on their Dress Blues - the ones we Marines are so famous for. There is nothing sharper than a Marine in his Blues. So why is it that female Marines all over the world always ask the same damn question when it comes time to celebrate the Ball?

"Can we wear an evening gown instead of our uniform?"

"Excuse me? What did you just say?"

Every time I hear this question I cringe. Why on Earth would you NOT want to wear your Dress Blues? You earned the right to wear them. You went through 13 weeks of Boot Camp just so you can claim the title of a US Marine and you would rather wear a stinking evening gown to the most important event in Marine Corps history???

I've heard all the excuses:

1) I DON'T FEEL LIKE A WOMAN IN MY UNIFORM. That sounds like a personal problem. Wearing an evening gown isn't going to "fix" that.

2) I WEAR A UNIFORM EVERY DAY. And let me get this straight...you aren't proud to do so? How many times in the past 12 months have you worn your Dress Blues?

3) I'M A WOMAN AND WANT TO DRESS LIKE ONE AND LET MY HAIR DOWN. This isn't Homecoming or Winter Formal or Prom. You are a Marine first. This isn't about you. It's much bigger than that - it's about respecting the Marine Corps - past and present.

It's a touchy subject with me and one most female Marines don't care to have with me. If they don't want to wear my uniform then they are telling me that being a Marine means nothing to them and that the Marine Corps Birthday is just another holiday. I have zero tolerance for this line of thinking. You are either a Marine or you're not. Make up your mind and then you let me know.

Life is funny

Sometimes I believe in miracles. Most of the time I believe things happen for a reason and there are no such things as coincidences. I have been going through so much lately it's hard to get through the chaos without throwing up my hands and surrendering. But I keep plugging along. Mostly because the sun comes up every day and people depend on me. I'm not sure that's the real reason. It's probably just my survival instincts kicking in and the fact that I just have always lived with a great deal of hope and positivity in my life.

I was just doing something the other day out of desperation and a feeling of overwhelming pain and loss. Low and behold the very next day something happens that makes me think God does answer prayers. Makes me believe I am not crazy. Makes me wonder if something isn't changing in my life. Makes me think about a lot.

I have been down all weekend with a cold. It ruined my plans to ride my Harley and my horse, but with the work week ahead I couldn't afford to be sick and have to take time off, so I gave in and stayed in bed, rested when I felt like it and took my meds. Tonight I am feeling much better. The sneezing has all but stopped. No more headache and thankfully, no more coughing. That was the worst - the coughing. Ugh.

The youngest will be home in 13 days. I'm very excited to see him. My little Soldier! He would be embarrassed to hear me say that. I am still his Mom after all.

OK, that's it for this time. Still no comments from the regulars. Still no one else is blogging. Still I continue to blog.

SONG OF THE BLOG: None. I haven't heard a song all weekend long.